Breaking Down...Almost

I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. And I've seen Almodovar's rendition of what women do when they are on the verge: they burn things, throw phones through windows, try to jump off buildings, and put prescription drugs in gazpacho. I only searched frantically for return trips home a week or two early had somehow arrived at the point where spending that amount of money actually seemed worth it. Maybe it would have been worth it. I only have a week in the States before it's off to Korea again and I've already scheduled a short trip to Austin. It'll all be a New York minute in sleepy Texas.

I'm better now. And by "better" I mean that I've decided to stay and save myself the trouble of a wallet full of airline woes. People troubles, language troubles, and roommate troubles aside, I'm not going to give up like this. One hamburger and a side of fries and onion rings later, I was planning out my last couple weeks in Madrid and pining over overpriced clothes and shoes online.

I've already gotten over the fact that I'm not as extroverted as I want to be. I keep thinking of certain friends and asking myself, "What would ______ do?" But thought never follows through to execution and I resign myself to going to the park alone or searching for a good movie to watch. What troubles me the most is how close these "tough" times have gotten into breakdown territory. I don't think I've ever really had a breakdown, but then has any of us?

When I first read about the Virginia Tech shootings on the New York Times, I was completely shocked. And then I continued to check the Times as the saga unraveled over the course of the following days/weeks in what seemed a disturbingly formulaic manner. Were they releasing the information as an imitation of a previous law & order episode, or was the media frenzy inadvertently setting up the next perfect episode? Nevertheless, an unfortunate soul had been pushed beyond the verge and America had to deal with another "breakdown" with devastating consequences.

A couple days ago I had the sudden craving for Taco Cabana. It was intense. Like pregnant lady intense. There was no tex-mex trigger; it just happened on my walk home from class. I could picture the haphazard wrapping of aluminum foil, the bean and cheese mix inside the warm tortilla...the smell...the touch...everything. Whilst salivating ravenously, I had the urge in my fingers, tingling sensations running up arms, to grab someone by the neck and yell, "GET ME SOME TACO CABANA!!!!!!!!" It was all really uncalled for and ofcourse I didn't strangle anyone.

Earlier in the week I had the burning desire to throw my notebook at a group of girls in my Spanish class. This isn't completely unwarranted. On certain days, there are up to 5 German girls--in a class of about 8 total. Mind you, this is a Spanish class and yet these girls speak in German among themselves, WHILE the teacher is speaking. And ofcourse to me, it's all talk of "streudel" and "bratwurst"; who knows what they're saying? I contemplated telling them to shut up but somehow a notebook to the face and perhaps a pen to follow up seemed more appropriate. Remember...I was just on the verge.

Almodovar has an incredible way of making the crazy and abnormal seem completely humane and compelling. Even when a woman tries to kill her husband in the airport, you don't want to send her to an insane asylum; you just want to give her a hug and tell her everything's going to be ok. But I wonder. How long will it be until my nerve tinglings catch up with my brain and I'm suddenly pushed over the edge? It would comfort me to know that I'm not the only that may potentially get my gun license revoked because of taco torture and classroom hit and run.